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November 09 2018

C10H12N2O
23:04
So, yeah.

Bye.

October 17 2018

C10H12N2O
02:03
Have you ever felt in a way that you're not in the position to allow yourself to actually want something because you were almost sure that the moment you say "yeah" without the casual hesitation the world would start doing everything in its power to prevent it from happening?

That if you stop, even just to yourself, saying "if" in a way that actually means "yeah, right, that's never going to happen anyway" and hiding behind the sarcastic remarks even from your own self, and, oh, you allow yourself to consider something a real possibility, it would automatically stop being one?

Ha. 

Yeah.

Not a scary thought at all.

Then again, opening oneself to the real and completely non-sarcastic evaluation of the situation may also land you the conclusion that hey, you don't. That what you like is just getting attention, hey, sure you like it, right? You can't really live without it. You need a grain of reality to be able to build your fantasy world on. You've always done that. It's a coping mechanism and it actually kinda works. Doesn't hurt anyone except yourself, so it's fine, right?

L jokingly suggested a decision tree. You know what? I actually did it? In my head, anyway. Wanna know the result? It's one word, written in huge bold oozing letters branded in the middle of the line of sight.

"DON'T".

Guess how that turned out? The typical way. It's like flipping a coin. You know, the theory saying that it's a great decision making tool because the moment the coin is in the air, you hope for one particular result. I do that too. I hope to get a result I don't want to get so I can later say that hey, how stupid would that be to let a stupid coin decide about my future? So yeah, obviously I'm not gonna listen to that right? 

Yeah, why would I listen to a stupid decision tree. It doesn't know me at all. It has no idea. IT'S A DAMN STUPID SUGGESTION. Completely disregardable. So "don't" actually means "jump". Not that I did that either, hey, I still got half a brain on me, right? So it's more like a slide. A very long slide. Holding the rails with my hands so it's really, really slow. But a slide nonetheless. In a downward direction.

The thing is, I don't do well with slow rides. I don't do well with waiting. I don't do well with games and sneaking around. But it's way too scary to let go of the rails and the slide is way too slippery to turn around and go back. Wait. Scratch that. It's not. So maybe I don't want to go back. Not now. Thought I don't even know what "now" is.

I know THIS is the problem. The overanalysing. The desire to know everything exactly right now instead of just seeing what's going to happen. Jumping to the other end of the wormhole to see the results of each possible road and going back with the emotional baggage of consequences of every decision not taken and every result of an action not happening already lived through and discarded before it even has the chance to unveil as the path before me.

It will probably be nice to once look at the crossroads JUST ahead of me and choose one of the roads basing on their entrances, not exits.

But how the hell this is done still remains a fucking mystery.

hey,
I'm gonna tell you a story
it's about a little girl
she's 7, just about the start her first school
just a normal thing, right?
probably a little scary, but nothing out of the ordinary
she won't admit that to anyone, but she's so fucking scared she doesn't know what to do
but she can't say that
she can't show that
fear is a stupid thing, right?
so she does something
she imagines herself at 13
just about to leave the school she'd spend the last 6 years in, so she's just super bored of everything there
she knows everything about the place
nothing is new, everything is old and boring
boring's not scary? right? boring is the opposite of scary
so she decides that already happened
all the years, all the new things - they already happened
they are just a stupid, boring past
stuff that's in the past can't hurt you, right? it already happened. you've already lived through it. you came out of it alive and bored. ha. stupid stuff. stupid past.
so on the first day of school she's not scared
she's bored
she's not excited for the future, but that seems like a low price to pay for leaving the fear behind

20 years later she'd understand that it's one of the highest prices she'd ever pay in her life
it's the price of feeling bored for the next 20 years
it's the price of always choosing old over new
it's the price of always living in a weird mix or past and future, completely omitting the present

it's the price of never really feeling anything in the right moment
how can you when you've already lived through it before it had a chance to happen?

but most importantly
it's the understanding that she never traded fear for boredom anyway
she just kept it in herself forever
it's the price of being constantly both bored and scared at the same time

it's one of the highest prices she's ever paid

but hey, she's fucking 7. she doesn't know better, right?

*

The problem is that it's the first time in a really, really long time she actually wants to listen. To understand instead of projecting. And that's something she can't live through in her head, jump through the wormhole, see the future, disregard it and come back to deem it as just another boring experience. That's not enough. That actually requires walking the whole path. From its beginning. No shortcuts taken.

And that's a really, really scary thought.

October 06 2018

C10H12N2O
23:13
23:12
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C10H12N2O
23:12
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Reposted fromzciach zciach viano-longer-kore no-longer-kore
C10H12N2O
23:12
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Reposted from4777727772 4777727772 viamizeria mizeria
C10H12N2O
23:10
Sometimes I really wish I lived during an era where letters were still a casual and appropriate form of communication between people so I could just write the things I want in a way I see and feel them (which is something I'm possibly quite good at) and at the same time do not feel completely ashamed of the fact that this is probably the only way I can say them anyway

October 03 2018

C10H12N2O
21:58
Hey,
I haven't thought about you in a long, long while.
Which probably makes sense since you do not even exist anymore. The "you", I knew, anyway. Which is a good thing, since that you were probably the saddest person I've met in my life.

Except me. Sometimes.

There's a part of me that's jealous and mad that you decided to disappear and left me alone in the middle of the shit bomb you hit me with just a moment before. There's the other part of me that knows that the bomb was never aimed at me and you disappearing was partially a desperate attempt to keep the stinky shrapnels out of everyone else's eyes.

Now I know that.

Now you're someone else and that someone else seems to be happy in a way I cannot even begin to understand, but anyhow, it's not my place. You do not owe me understanding. You cashed your happiness ticket and it led you to the place so far away from the one I'm still living in in my head that it seems like we are an actual world apart. I do not wish you anything but luck and satisfaction though. We were supposed to be unsatisfiable ones. Two idiots against the world. I'm glad you don't feel the need to be against anything anymore. There's a part of me that's crazy jealous of that. But I know myself well enough to understand that there is this other part of my ego that wouldn't even hear about trying to settle in this way. I'm way to narcissistic for settling. I've always wanted more even at the cost of the constant feeling of emptiness and tactile lack of the missing piece right in the middle of the essence of my being.

I still want more. I do not know what this is.

Oh, but I also know well enough.

I miss you like a phantom limb that's been cut away from my body too quickly, too suddenly to heal in the right way. One moment you were there, the other you were not. I've never had the time to actually mourn you, to say goodbye, to understand that maybe our lives were just not meant to be intersecting for more than this moment. And still, that stupid short little moment was enough to make me feel like the thing I always wanted and never considered a possibility was actually something people can have, even if just for a second. 

That was never the truth though. I loved you, but not like a human being can and should love another human being, because you were never a human being to me. I pretended like this wasn't true, I pretended so well I believed myself and was ready to stand before anyone who'd beg to differ and put all of my heart into persuading that person, the world and myself that this was a real thing... but you were never real to me. You were my fantasy. I used you. In the end, you used me too and that's the only thing I was able to focus on for days, months, even years to come. I was too bitter to admit that this is not how it started. I was too hurt to admit that this was, largely, my fault. That I was never honest with you. I never thought you deserved my honesty. Who you were to me was not a person, but an idea. I noticed a part of you that fitted a part of me like long-lost pieces of puzzle and threw away everything else in a desperate attempt to get the kind of satisfaction I longed for for so many years. I never asked - I just took it from you and considered the fact that you've never explicitly said no enough to justify everything. The fact that I was able to do such a thing and perfectly justify it to myself is scaring me as hell. No one wants to admit they could be that person. 

No one wants to admit that they probably still can be that person.

I'm scared as hell that I can still be that person.

I've kept writing to you for a year after you disappeared. I still have the letters. I've never sent any of them. What would be the point of sending them to someone who didn't exist anymore? What would be the point of writing, you may ask? I never did that for you, I did it for me, like everything else.

The truth, the thing I couldn't even begin to admit for all these years is that I never loved you, J. I loved the reflection of myself in your eyes. Oh, how much I loved it. I've never loved anything more in my life. You were my deepest, darkest fantasy that suddenly came through and fell into my lap and started wiggling your cute little blond tail frantically around my head for a while before you realized that the I you "knew" was never a real person either.

I'm sorry, J. I'm sorry, me. I'm sorry, world.

Anyway,
what I wanted to say to you
(the other you)
is that I'm so scared right now,
that I can't even begin to process it.
And the scariest part is that
if it all goes to actual shit,
(as it probably will)
I won't even be anyone's
but

mine

f-

Oh, anyway.  It is but a tale. Told by-
Signifying nothing.

Yours, sincerely
A. 

September 20 2018

C10H12N2O
21:44
No, honey, this is not what you've waited for.
No fucking way.

With a comma after fucking.


May 29 2018

C10H12N2O
00:56
funny how you spent so much time wondering how people can act in such a destructive way when the solution was always right around the corner

funny how you thought it was so easy to wait a minute longer, to call one more time, to turn around a second earlier

then suddenly-

you realize that they never wanted to shatter the fucking glasses either

it just happened and would happen no matter how many times the history would get rewritten

the moment I stop crying when she says "hey-" 

this is the moment.





May 23 2018

C10H12N2O
22:18
tak długo psy wieszane na nieszczęsnym grudniu
a może uczciwiej byłoby
a może trzeba w końcu oddać sprawiedliwość

i może jednak czas zacząć mówić

pachnie majem

May 08 2018

C10H12N2O
22:20

525600 minutes

it's easy to say how funny how everything can change in a year 

even when on the surface nothing changes of all

It's been a hell of a year

In terms of experience 

In terms of tears

In terms of composing myself back together as an actual person 

I'm not there yet 

The differences are striking but that's not the most important thing of all

The weirdest part are the similarities that lie hidden out of my sight most of the time to suddenly emerge and blink for a second before dispersing into oblivion again

I still want to tell you things sometimes 

Not huge things, little stupid details that immediately show the reflection of something that's been and isn't anymore

These little jokes only you'd understand

Those little details only you'd notice and make sense of

Those funny little realizations we were wondering about a lot but never got a clear answers to

Whenever I get the answer I want to tell you that

Exactly the way I wanted to tell J

And D before her

These last 365 days of my life were a surprisingly long and strange trip

The bus took me places I've never been before and places I've used to visit many years ago but for some reason I stopped

The bus crashed a couple of times but I managed to survive 

The wounds are mostly closed and healed now but I doubt the scars will ever completely fade

But I have such a huge collection of all them that it's okay

They're souvenirs 

Those little remainders of what was and should never be again

I have a lot of regrets but that's not the way to live my life 

It's always been hard to me to just focus on a moment instead of always living in the past and the future at the same time

Even my biggest nightmares reflect that

(So funny I haven't realized that before)

The last 365 days I learned to let go

First for a second

Then for a minute

Now I think I can sometimes last an hour in the present

It may not be much

But alas

It's something I have never been able to achieve before

I used to break the events into the littlest of pieces to understand where it all went to shit and try to put it back together again

I used to do it over and over and over again

I used to torture myself with the feeling that maybe the ultimate explosion could have been prevented 

Nah

It couldn't 

The timer was set the moment it started 

It's been counting the hours 

It was always a borrowed time 

I'm glad I borrowed it anyway 

Today

I'm not wondering what if anymore

I'm done borrowing

I have no intention of giving anything back anymore

The parallels are crazy

The differences inside them are crazier 

So I think

In a year I'd still probably want to tell you how good a halloumi wrap with a peanut butter sauce is 

As I still want to tell J how the line about the dog hit me right in the middle of heart and I'm probably never gonna forget it

The difference is that I'm alright taking to the ghost you 

And I don't need the actual you anymore


All these things at once and many more, not because it wishes harm, because it likes violent vibrations to change constantly. 

The neuroanatomy of fear and faith share common afferent pathways. Flip a coin. Increased vascular pressure marks the threat response. 

And when the machine stops, time was an illusion that we created free will.


End of line.

Jump-

May 03 2018

C10H12N2O
19:25
8566 432b 390
C10H12N2O
19:24
19:24
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Reposted fromdivi divi viagoodtimesbadtimes goodtimesbadtimes
19:24
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gothiccharmschool:

luzialowe:

soapamine:

I’M SCREAMING

I will never not reblog this. 

19:23
7129 ad1f 390
C10H12N2O
19:23
C10H12N2O
19:22
19:22
5484 270d 390

lilchive:

Another #inktober doodle

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