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April 18 2018

C10H12N2O
00:19
The key is to let myself be okay with what the world is offering me instead of always asking "how did I deserve this good thing and what's the catch"
I'm usually such a fast learner
But in this case... the world will have to have a little more patience with me


I can promise it will be worth your while 

March 29 2018

C10H12N2O
01:08
I haven't shed a single tear in two months.
Now is my day.
Now I can't stop.

Please let me get past this and love the world the way it deserves to be loved.
PleaseletmegetpastthisandlovemyselfthewayIdeservetobeloved.

Please let me fuck this shit and just live.
I haven't been living a real life in a really, really, really, painfully long time.

Both me and her deserve that.

February 14 2018

10:48
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C10H12N2O
10:48
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February 13 2018

C10H12N2O
22:12
My boss scolded me recently.
My mom screams at me for some random reason
N tries to explain to me why some of my actions from a week ago hurt her.
P and B are sad and dealing with their own shit.

I...

A month ago I'd panic, get stressed out, cry and scream myself. And get overly emotional in a desperate try to help everyone around me.
And it's not that I decided to be over it.
And it's not like I want to feel this way.

I just... do. Or don't. It's like a switch, except I can't really turn it on or off at my own volition. Something does it for me and this is just how it is.

I don't feel it anymore. Not just it. I don't really feel anything. And it's not like I'm numb, or depressed, or resigned. I'm actually pretty motivated and ready to finally fight my own battles this year.

I'm really excited about stuff. I spend hours designing and calculating and oh my god, believe me how good this feels. It always felt good. It always felt the best. I just could never truly concentrate on it when I felt... too much.

This is how it is. I can't just feel a little. It's either this or that. It's a binary choice. I can either feel so much I can't really deal with it or I can just... stop.

I haven't experienced that level of clarity of thoughts in a while. Things are so easy again. Things are so obvious again. The pieces fit perfectly into the puzzle. My brain is actually pretty amazing. Except that apparently it cannot be amazing enough to let me think AND experience normal human emotions at the same time. 

A waste of processing power, I guess? I don't know.

 I just know that I felt so much, so much I thought I'd die from the pain and pressure it generated. And then I decided that this year is going to be about something else, something I should have done years ago.

 Something I'm finally going to do as myself. Not her. Or rather: myself and her. Cause wow, hey, you know what? We are the same person. And we are both real and fine and she's not an impostor or a cliche or something else the other myself decided to deem her as to be able to usher her into a tiny corner of our common consciousness and let her rot there for years just because our father told us that we can't REALLY be who we are because we won't ever be good enough. Ha. You know what? We are pretty damn good. Together. And even if we are a little bit a cliche, so what? It's something to own, not something to be ashamed of. 

Thank you for never giving up and finding your way through every single wall I've built around you. Out of every single hole I've pushed you into. For making it past every obstacle I've thrown at you in my desperate attempt to convince myself that I can live without you as a part of me. I'm pretty great at guarding myself. You've broken into everything I used to keep you out. I never stood a real chance. Which, I guess, is ironic as fuck. But also... oh my god. 

This is going to be the beginning of a beautiful adventure, Alice. I'm glad we're on it together.

Even if you're stealing my feelings. We'll work on that later.



January 31 2018

C10H12N2O
00:40
for a moment there, I was 16 again

and I'm really, really glad I'm not anymore

December 22 2017

C10H12N2O
22:49
thank you for disappearing
Reposted byGunToRunpersona-non-grataniedonaprawienia

October 06 2017

C10H12N2O
22:24
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22:23
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C10H12N2O
19:47

The summer is over. Not that it was ever really there. I kinda feel like crying. I kinda feel like screaming.

I don't know what I feel. I don't know what I am. Maybe it's time to change it.

Maybe it's finally time for that.

Maybe my life's motto isn't applicable anymore. No, it totally is. It's just nothing to be proud of. 

This year has been the weirdest so far. The last 365 days of my life brought me so many firsts I've never expected to face at this point of life. I felt so much happiness I don't think I've ever encountered packed into such a short period of time. Obviously, there was also despair. Quite a lot of it. But to despair, I am used. It's been a natural part of my life since the very beginning. Happiness ain't. Not because I've had it particularly hard or bad. I'm just not predisposed to look at the bright side of things. For me, happiness is a process. Process of noticing what's fine and fixing what sucks if there's a way to fix it or dismissing it if it ain't. Noticing that the lousy parts are not tailor made to destroy my life. For some people it might be the most obvious thing in the world. For me it isn't. I'm not naturally happy and easy-going the same way I'm not naturally organized and mindful of my stuff and the surroundings. It can be learned tho, I think. I'd like to think I'm getting closer, little step by step.

I'm not happy yet but I'm not miserable either and it's not something I was able to say for the last 4 years. So, yeah. Yet is the keyword here. 

There are things that are entirely out of my control, but, to my biggest surprise, this doesn't apply to 99% of situations. It's maybe five to ten percent. Something like that. That's a scary thought. 

It's scary because it means in most cases what's standing between happiness and myself isn't some giant magical ice wall that took generations to build and would probably take the same amount of time to be destroyed. No. It's me. My decisions. My brain. My hands finally reaching for the things I want which are actually so close to me, so close they sometimes hit me in the head carelessly banging above it. My fault is choosing the headache over reaching farther and actually getting what I want. 

I will stop. I promise. I know sometimes it requires a lot of pushing and poking and not-so-gently kicking my butt, but please continue doing so. Please help me become what I am supposed to be. I won't hold back anymore.

I held back for the longest time always finding excuses for I cannot move forward.

There was fear.

There was despair.

There was depression, quite a lot of it.

There were the panic attacks, but I managed to take care of those, thank you kindly. Thanks, dude. Glad you didn't end under a truck with that bike. I'm seriously grateful for that. It hurt. It was scary, the scariest thing that ever happened to me that wasn't even real. Dying isn't fun, you know? 

Recovering is a lot of fun though.

Than there were you and I was soooooo afraid of bringing you down. It sucks like hell. I shouldn't ever done it. I know you didn't really want me to do it. But I loved you and I really really really wanted to help. I failed. Both you and myself. For that, I am sorry.  I hurt both of us. But you hurt both of us a lot too.

But neither of this matters anymore.

What matters is that there is a freaking light at the end of the tunnel and if those are just the front lights of the incoming train, that train better take the longer route. 

Cause it's on. 

And it makes me feel tired, it makes me feel scared, it makes my cry and it makes me wanna curl in my bed and never get out to the real world anymore. 

But I won't.

 

This movie better get some real action real soon.


C10H12N2O
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C10H12N2O
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