Newer posts are loading.
You are at the newest post.
Click here to check if anything new just came in.

September 20 2018

deep rooted family issues - check
fucked up relation with one's sexuality - check
a desire to run away from every complicated emotional situation - check
borderline personality - check
"not the type at all but still omg" - check
not able to normally communicate one's emotions - check
a desire to partake in risky behavior - check
a desire to run away through the use of a specific substance - check
able to make one triggered and angry in 3...2...1... - check
hated at first sight - check
affected as hell - check
basically emboding all the traits I feel ashamed of possessing but still aware are a huge part of me - check
_ - check
...basically being me a few years back - check

No, honey, this is not what you've waited for.
No fucking way.

With a comma after fucking.

May 29 2018

funny how you spent so much time wondering how people can act in such a destructive way when the solution was always right around the corner

funny how you thought it was so easy to wait a minute longer, to call one more time, to turn around a second earlier

then suddenly-

you realize that they never wanted to shatter the fucking glasses either

it just happened and would happen no matter how many times the history would get rewritten

the moment I stop crying when she says "hey-" 

this is the moment.

May 23 2018

tak długo psy wieszane na nieszczęsnym grudniu
a może uczciwiej byłoby
a może trzeba w końcu oddać sprawiedliwość

i może jednak czas zacząć mówić

pachnie majem

May 08 2018


525600 minutes

it's easy to say how funny how everything can change in a year 

even when on the surface nothing changes of all

It's been a hell of a year

In terms of experience 

In terms of tears

In terms of composing myself back together as an actual person 

I'm not there yet 

The differences are striking but that's not the most important thing of all

The weirdest part are the similarities that lie hidden out of my sight most of the time to suddenly emerge and blink for a second before dispersing into oblivion again

I still want to tell you things sometimes 

Not huge things, little stupid details that immediately show the reflection of something that's been and isn't anymore

These little jokes only you'd understand

Those little details only you'd notice and make sense of

Those funny little realizations we were wondering about a lot but never got a clear answers to

Whenever I get the answer I want to tell you that

Exactly the way I wanted to tell J

And D before her

These last 365 days of my life were a surprisingly long and strange trip

The bus took me places I've never been before and places I've used to visit many years ago but for some reason I stopped

The bus crashed a couple of times but I managed to survive 

The wounds are mostly closed and healed now but I doubt the scars will ever completely fade

But I have such a huge collection of all them that it's okay

They're souvenirs 

Those little remainders of what was and should never be again

I have a lot of regrets but that's not the way to live my life 

It's always been hard to me to just focus on a moment instead of always living in the past and the future at the same time

Even my biggest nightmares reflect that

(So funny I haven't realized that before)

The last 365 days I learned to let go

First for a second

Then for a minute

Now I think I can sometimes last an hour in the present

It may not be much

But alas

It's something I have never been able to achieve before

I used to break the events into the littlest of pieces to understand where it all went to shit and try to put it back together again

I used to do it over and over and over again

I used to torture myself with the feeling that maybe the ultimate explosion could have been prevented 


It couldn't 

The timer was set the moment it started 

It's been counting the hours 

It was always a borrowed time 

I'm glad I borrowed it anyway 


I'm not wondering what if anymore

I'm done borrowing

I have no intention of giving anything back anymore

The parallels are crazy

The differences inside them are crazier 

So I think

In a year I'd still probably want to tell you how good a halloumi wrap with a peanut butter sauce is 

As I still want to tell J how the line about the dog hit me right in the middle of heart and I'm probably never gonna forget it

The difference is that I'm alright taking to the ghost you 

And I don't need the actual you anymore

All these things at once and many more, not because it wishes harm, because it likes violent vibrations to change constantly. 

The neuroanatomy of fear and faith share common afferent pathways. Flip a coin. Increased vascular pressure marks the threat response. 

And when the machine stops, time was an illusion that we created free will.

End of line.


May 03 2018

8566 432b 390
4558 c007 390
Reposted fromdivi divi viagoodtimesbadtimes goodtimesbadtimes
3766 a562 390





I will never not reblog this. 

7129 ad1f 390
5484 270d 390


Another #inktober doodle

April 18 2018

The key is to let myself be okay with what the world is offering me instead of always asking "how did I deserve this good thing and what's the catch"
I'm usually such a fast learner
But in this case... the world will have to have a little more patience with me

I can promise it will be worth your while 

March 29 2018

I haven't shed a single tear in two months.
Now is my day.
Now I can't stop.

Please let me get past this and love the world the way it deserves to be loved.

Please let me fuck this shit and just live.
I haven't been living a real life in a really, really, really, painfully long time.

Both me and her deserve that.

February 14 2018

7596 ec8d 390
Reposted fromfukuku3 fukuku3 viaOkruszek Okruszek
9514 8f7f 390
Reposted fromMuppet Muppet viadezynwoltura dezynwoltura

February 13 2018

My boss scolded me recently.
My mom screams at me for some random reason
N tries to explain to me why some of my actions from a week ago hurt her.
P and B are sad and dealing with their own shit.


A month ago I'd panic, get stressed out, cry and scream myself. And get overly emotional in a desperate try to help everyone around me.
And it's not that I decided to be over it.
And it's not like I want to feel this way.

I just... do. Or don't. It's like a switch, except I can't really turn it on or off at my own volition. Something does it for me and this is just how it is.

I don't feel it anymore. Not just it. I don't really feel anything. And it's not like I'm numb, or depressed, or resigned. I'm actually pretty motivated and ready to finally fight my own battles this year.

I'm really excited about stuff. I spend hours designing and calculating and oh my god, believe me how good this feels. It always felt good. It always felt the best. I just could never truly concentrate on it when I felt... too much.

This is how it is. I can't just feel a little. It's either this or that. It's a binary choice. I can either feel so much I can't really deal with it or I can just... stop.

I haven't experienced that level of clarity of thoughts in a while. Things are so easy again. Things are so obvious again. The pieces fit perfectly into the puzzle. My brain is actually pretty amazing. Except that apparently it cannot be amazing enough to let me think AND experience normal human emotions at the same time. 

A waste of processing power, I guess? I don't know.

 I just know that I felt so much, so much I thought I'd die from the pain and pressure it generated. And then I decided that this year is going to be about something else, something I should have done years ago.

 Something I'm finally going to do as myself. Not her. Or rather: myself and her. Cause wow, hey, you know what? We are the same person. And we are both real and fine and she's not an impostor or a cliche or something else the other myself decided to deem her as to be able to usher her into a tiny corner of our common consciousness and let her rot there for years just because our father told us that we can't REALLY be who we are because we won't ever be good enough. Ha. You know what? We are pretty damn good. Together. And even if we are a little bit a cliche, so what? It's something to own, not something to be ashamed of. 

Thank you for never giving up and finding your way through every single wall I've built around you. Out of every single hole I've pushed you into. For making it past every obstacle I've thrown at you in my desperate attempt to convince myself that I can live without you as a part of me. I'm pretty great at guarding myself. You've broken into everything I used to keep you out. I never stood a real chance. Which, I guess, is ironic as fuck. But also... oh my god. 

This is going to be the beginning of a beautiful adventure, Alice. I'm glad we're on it together.

Even if you're stealing my feelings. We'll work on that later.

January 31 2018

for a moment there, I was 16 again

and I'm really, really glad I'm not anymore
Reposted byzembata zembata

December 22 2017

thank you for disappearing
Reposted byGunToRunpersona-non-grataniedonaprawieniazembata

October 06 2017

4137 b706 390
Reposted fromnyaako nyaako viaSubli Subli
Older posts are this way If this message doesn't go away, click anywhere on the page to continue loading posts.
Could not load more posts
Maybe Soup is currently being updated? I'll try again automatically in a few seconds...
Just a second, loading more posts...
You've reached the end.

Don't be the product, buy the product!