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C10H12N2O
22:05

I should have known by the time I laid the universe on the grass in front of you and you said you didn't even understand what the big deal was

I should have

I didn't

I didn't want to know

I didn't want to realize

My mistake is always assuming the best in people

I don't think it's a substantial flaw though

Were you wondering? Were you saying goodbye? I wouldn't know. I shouldn't care. Except it's not even true. Not caring does not make you strong. Not caring is not a virtue. It's a lie designed to make people think better about themselves. 

Do

I need that? Probably not. I don't think bad about myself. I care. I would care for the time coming. That's just how it works.

I'm not ashamed of that 

I should have known by the time you explicitly said you didn't believe in any of the values I can't even separate from my heart and the essence of my being 

I should have known

I felt the literal stab with every smirk you've carelessly thrown

I did

I didn't want to

My mistake Is always assuming it's possible to heal people who don't even wish to be healed 

I don't think it's a substantial flaw

I know it can do nothing but make me miserable over and over again 

Welcome to your tape, I guess.

It's the first one. You earned it, in a way. It's not a good thing. It's not a bad thing. It does mean I care. I don't think it would even be healthy not to.

It's probably not the last one. That's just how I deal with things. I don't think it's wrong. It's just the way. It's probably better than throwing stones at your window. It's probably safer that getting fucked up in someone else's arms. 

It does not mean I don't want to do the latter. 

It does not mean I won't do the latter.

I would, if I knew it'd make me happy, that's for sure. It's not hard. It's probably the easiest thing on earth. It's just not worth it if it doesn't help. Not worth the hassle. Not worth the possibility of hurting someone who wasn't completely honest with themselves about the reason. I think about those things now. I know sometimes it's not even physically possible to separate mind from the burning flesh. 

My flesh is burning already. I can't get anymore burned or scarred right now. I'm scared of leaving the scar on the healthy pink tissue of someone who hasn't been burned before. I guess that's what we call responsibility. I don't like it at all.

The problem is, happiness is not easy. Happiness is not obvious. Happiness is earned. I know I earned it. It's just not the moment to cash the ticket yet.

It will be.

J has a fucking baby and I couldn't care less so I know it's possible.

I just

Wouldn't mind if it didn't take another 2 years, thank you kindly?

I don't have that kind of time. Not anymore.

I can't feel hatred and it took me 26 years to understand that it's not a bad thing either. It makes things harder, for sure. 

However 

It lets me not drown in the pool of self-hate, and for that, I am forever grateful. 

It feels like losing, but you cannot be a loser without winners and no one won. 

Life goes on.

I will cry tonight.

I will open my eyes, look at the sun and laugh tomorrow.

That's just how things work, right? No one to blame for that.


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