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The summer is over. Not that it was ever really there. I kinda feel like crying. I kinda feel like screaming.

I don't know what I feel. I don't know what I am. Maybe it's time to change it.

Maybe it's finally time for that.

Maybe my life's motto isn't applicable anymore. No, it totally is. It's just nothing to be proud of. 

This year has been the weirdest so far. The last 365 days of my life brought me so many firsts I've never expected to face at this point of life. I felt so much happiness I don't think I've ever encountered packed into such a short period of time. Obviously, there was also despair. Quite a lot of it. But to despair, I am used. It's been a natural part of my life since the very beginning. Happiness ain't. Not because I've had it particularly hard or bad. I'm just not predisposed to look at the bright side of things. For me, happiness is a process. Process of noticing what's fine and fixing what sucks if there's a way to fix it or dismissing it if it ain't. Noticing that the lousy parts are not tailor made to destroy my life. For some people it might be the most obvious thing in the world. For me it isn't. I'm not naturally happy and easy-going the same way I'm not naturally organized and mindful of my stuff and the surroundings. It can be learned tho, I think. I'd like to think I'm getting closer, little step by step.

I'm not happy yet but I'm not miserable either and it's not something I was able to say for the last 4 years. So, yeah. Yet is the keyword here. 

There are things that are entirely out of my control, but, to my biggest surprise, this doesn't apply to 99% of situations. It's maybe five to ten percent. Something like that. That's a scary thought. 

It's scary because it means in most cases what's standing between happiness and myself isn't some giant magical ice wall that took generations to build and would probably take the same amount of time to be destroyed. No. It's me. My decisions. My brain. My hands finally reaching for the things I want which are actually so close to me, so close they sometimes hit me in the head carelessly banging above it. My fault is choosing the headache over reaching farther and actually getting what I want. 

I will stop. I promise. I know sometimes it requires a lot of pushing and poking and not-so-gently kicking my butt, but please continue doing so. Please help me become what I am supposed to be. I won't hold back anymore.

I held back for the longest time always finding excuses for I cannot move forward.

There was fear.

There was despair.

There was depression, quite a lot of it.

There were the panic attacks, but I managed to take care of those, thank you kindly. Thanks, dude. Glad you didn't end under a truck with that bike. I'm seriously grateful for that. It hurt. It was scary, the scariest thing that ever happened to me that wasn't even real. Dying isn't fun, you know? 

Recovering is a lot of fun though.

Than there were you and I was soooooo afraid of bringing you down. It sucks like hell. I shouldn't ever done it. I know you didn't really want me to do it. But I loved you and I really really really wanted to help. I failed. Both you and myself. For that, I am sorry.  I hurt both of us. But you hurt both of us a lot too.

But neither of this matters anymore.

What matters is that there is a freaking light at the end of the tunnel and if those are just the front lights of the incoming train, that train better take the longer route. 

Cause it's on. 

And it makes me feel tired, it makes me feel scared, it makes my cry and it makes me wanna curl in my bed and never get out to the real world anymore. 

But I won't.


This movie better get some real action real soon.

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