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525600 minutes

it's easy to say how funny how everything can change in a year 

even when on the surface nothing changes of all

It's been a hell of a year

In terms of experience 

In terms of tears

In terms of composing myself back together as an actual person 

I'm not there yet 

The differences are striking but that's not the most important thing of all

The weirdest part are the similarities that lie hidden out of my sight most of the time to suddenly emerge and blink for a second before dispersing into oblivion again

I still want to tell you things sometimes 

Not huge things, little stupid details that immediately show the reflection of something that's been and isn't anymore

These little jokes only you'd understand

Those little details only you'd notice and make sense of

Those funny little realizations we were wondering about a lot but never got a clear answers to

Whenever I get the answer I want to tell you that

Exactly the way I wanted to tell J

And D before her

These last 365 days of my life were a surprisingly long and strange trip

The bus took me places I've never been before and places I've used to visit many years ago but for some reason I stopped

The bus crashed a couple of times but I managed to survive 

The wounds are mostly closed and healed now but I doubt the scars will ever completely fade

But I have such a huge collection of all them that it's okay

They're souvenirs 

Those little remainders of what was and should never be again

I have a lot of regrets but that's not the way to live my life 

It's always been hard to me to just focus on a moment instead of always living in the past and the future at the same time

Even my biggest nightmares reflect that

(So funny I haven't realized that before)

The last 365 days I learned to let go

First for a second

Then for a minute

Now I think I can sometimes last an hour in the present

It may not be much

But alas

It's something I have never been able to achieve before

I used to break the events into the littlest of pieces to understand where it all went to shit and try to put it back together again

I used to do it over and over and over again

I used to torture myself with the feeling that maybe the ultimate explosion could have been prevented 


It couldn't 

The timer was set the moment it started 

It's been counting the hours 

It was always a borrowed time 

I'm glad I borrowed it anyway 


I'm not wondering what if anymore

I'm done borrowing

I have no intention of giving anything back anymore

The parallels are crazy

The differences inside them are crazier 

So I think

In a year I'd still probably want to tell you how good a halloumi wrap with a peanut butter sauce is 

As I still want to tell J how the line about the dog hit me right in the middle of heart and I'm probably never gonna forget it

The difference is that I'm alright taking to the ghost you 

And I don't need the actual you anymore

All these things at once and many more, not because it wishes harm, because it likes violent vibrations to change constantly. 

The neuroanatomy of fear and faith share common afferent pathways. Flip a coin. Increased vascular pressure marks the threat response. 

And when the machine stops, time was an illusion that we created free will.

End of line.


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