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Have you ever felt in a way that you're not in the position to allow yourself to actually want something because you were almost sure that the moment you say "yeah" without the casual hesitation the world would start doing everything in its power to prevent it from happening?

That if you stop, even just to yourself, saying "if" in a way that actually means "yeah, right, that's never going to happen anyway" and hiding behind the sarcastic remarks even from your own self, and, oh, you allow yourself to consider something a real possibility, it would automatically stop being one?



Not a scary thought at all.

Then again, opening oneself to the real and completely non-sarcastic evaluation of the situation may also land you the conclusion that hey, you don't. That what you like is just getting attention, hey, sure you like it, right? You can't really live without it. You need a grain of reality to be able to build your fantasy world on. You've always done that. It's a coping mechanism and it actually kinda works. Doesn't hurt anyone except yourself, so it's fine, right?

L jokingly suggested a decision tree. You know what? I actually did it? In my head, anyway. Wanna know the result? It's one word, written in huge bold oozing letters branded in the middle of the line of sight.


Guess how that turned out? The typical way. It's like flipping a coin. You know, the theory saying that it's a great decision making tool because the moment the coin is in the air, you hope for one particular result. I do that too. I hope to get a result I don't want to get so I can later say that hey, how stupid would that be to let a stupid coin decide about my future? So yeah, obviously I'm not gonna listen to that right? 

Yeah, why would I listen to a stupid decision tree. It doesn't know me at all. It has no idea. IT'S A DAMN STUPID SUGGESTION. Completely disregardable. So "don't" actually means "jump". Not that I did that either, hey, I still got half a brain on me, right? So it's more like a slide. A very long slide. Holding the rails with my hands so it's really, really slow. But a slide nonetheless. In a downward direction.

The thing is, I don't do well with slow rides. I don't do well with waiting. I don't do well with games and sneaking around. But it's way too scary to let go of the rails and the slide is way too slippery to turn around and go back. Wait. Scratch that. It's not. So maybe I don't want to go back. Not now. Thought I don't even know what "now" is.

I know THIS is the problem. The overanalysing. The desire to know everything exactly right now instead of just seeing what's going to happen. Jumping to the other end of the wormhole to see the results of each possible road and going back with the emotional baggage of consequences of every decision not taken and every result of an action not happening already lived through and discarded before it even has the chance to unveil as the path before me.

It will probably be nice to once look at the crossroads JUST ahead of me and choose one of the roads basing on their entrances, not exits.

But how the hell this is done still remains a fucking mystery.

I'm gonna tell you a story
it's about a little girl
she's 7, just about the start her first school
just a normal thing, right?
probably a little scary, but nothing out of the ordinary
she won't admit that to anyone, but she's so fucking scared she doesn't know what to do
but she can't say that
she can't show that
fear is a stupid thing, right?
so she does something
she imagines herself at 13
just about to leave the school she'd spend the last 6 years in, so she's just super bored of everything there
she knows everything about the place
nothing is new, everything is old and boring
boring's not scary? right? boring is the opposite of scary
so she decides that already happened
all the years, all the new things - they already happened
they are just a stupid, boring past
stuff that's in the past can't hurt you, right? it already happened. you've already lived through it. you came out of it alive and bored. ha. stupid stuff. stupid past.
so on the first day of school she's not scared
she's bored
she's not excited for the future, but that seems like a low price to pay for leaving the fear behind

20 years later she'd understand that it's one of the highest prices she'd ever pay in her life
it's the price of feeling bored for the next 20 years
it's the price of always choosing old over new
it's the price of always living in a weird mix or past and future, completely omitting the present

it's the price of never really feeling anything in the right moment
how can you when you've already lived through it before it had a chance to happen?

but most importantly
it's the understanding that she never traded fear for boredom anyway
she just kept it in herself forever
it's the price of being constantly both bored and scared at the same time

it's one of the highest prices she's ever paid

but hey, she's fucking 7. she doesn't know better, right?


The problem is that it's the first time in a really, really long time she actually wants to listen. To understand instead of projecting. And that's something she can't live through in her head, jump through the wormhole, see the future, disregard it and come back to deem it as just another boring experience. That's not enough. That actually requires walking the whole path. From its beginning. No shortcuts taken.

And that's a really, really scary thought.

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